Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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