so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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