you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
