Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
