Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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