Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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