i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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