I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
