Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
