you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...