Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.