she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
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Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...