They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
