Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
