Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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