I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My orgasm happened in two different decades
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
