I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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