Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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