My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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