So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
