I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.