so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.