hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
home. puking in laundry basket.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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