I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
