i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
