im having a threesome with these popsicles
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
