I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
