what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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