We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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