if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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