I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
