My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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