i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
