She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
