dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
