wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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