Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
