My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
