i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
