If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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