I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
