I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
