You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
