dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
