the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
