She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
