We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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