I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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