im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
