So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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