please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
