can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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