sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
