Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
