Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
