I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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