doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
