she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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