Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
