So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
