Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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