Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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